TTTTT H H EEEEE
T H H E
T HHHHH EEEEE
T H H E
T H H EEEEE
PPPP OOOO RRRR TTTTT L A N N DDDD I A N N TM
P P O O R R T L A A NN N D D I A A NN N
PPPP O O RRRR T L AAAAA N N N D D I AAAAA N N N
P O O R R T L A A N NN D D I A A N NN
P OOOO R R T LLLLL A A N N DDDD I A A N N
The Portlandian, the Internet's premier source of Tonya News
September 17, 1998 Edition
(C) 1998 Portland Ice Skating Society
"The Portlandian", figure skating's answer to the Drudge Report,
brings you another controversy packed issue full of Tonya news
TONYA APPOINTS NEW AGENT
We are pleased to announce that Tonya has now appointed the R.J.
Garis Agency to act as her agents and publicists. The Garis
agency lists a wide variety of celebrities amongst its clients,
ranging from Chuck Norris, Kim Basinger and Aaron Spelling to
even a couple of members of the Partridge Family (which at least
shows how long they've been around). So if you want to hire Tonya
to skate, these are the guys to call. They can be reached at:
R. J. Garis Publicity Agency
629 South Rancho Santa Fe # 353
San Marcos. California 92069
Phone: (760) 471-4807
Roy Edwards has revamped his movie area to make things a bit more
orderly. Puppetboy now has his membership certificate on line
that you can print out and download. Meanwhile, we at PortIce
have now added links to the Washington Post's archive of Tonya
coverage. And in addition we have updated our feedback form so
you can now leave messages to Tonya or public messages to be
posted on our site.
Another Tonya page has also been discovered, too. This time it's
a group of Tonya fans in Oslo called Eventyrplassen Vannførelag,
and we'll be adding it to our list of Tonya links shortly.
However, you'd better bone up on your Norwegian if you plan to
What it says, we've got no idea. But hey, they're Tonyaphiles, so
why complain about trivia?
AN INTERESTING TONYA ARTICLE
Ever wonder what happened to Joe Haran, the editor of that
controversial Tonya 'zine "The Skater"? Don't worry, he's still
pushing the Tonyaphile cause. Last December, Joe made a speech to
Portland's Humanist association, in which he outlined how crooked
media interests helped destroy our heroine. The speech was
reported in the "The Business Journal of Portland", and can be
In addition, Haran also outlines a couple of interesting Tonya
stories that are not widely known, such as how some of Tonya's
fellow skating students showed their appreciation of her fine
talents by dumping her into a restroom trash can at age 12 whilst
chanting, "Trash for the trash." Her coach eventually heard her
crying and rescued her.
He also reveals exactly why Tonya went for a plea bargain rather
than fighting in court: "She finally broke down. From what I
understand, she was having nightmares and had an irrational fear
of going to jail. She had other people who took over her affairs
and she finally just gave up. It was understandable under the
circumstances, but the punishment was too much."
STARR WARS - OR NICE TRY, BUT NO CIGAR
Recently, Americans had to endure the spectacle of President
Clinton admitting on television that he had a relationship with
Monica Lewinsky, one that he described as "not proper", and that
he had "misled" people in his previous denials.
It has to be said that Clinton is a man who gives being a sexual
deviant a bad name. His continued inability to keep the First
Willy properly zippered is an embarrassment to himself, his
family, and the American people. He has succeeded in turning one
of the most prestigious institutions in the world, that of the
U.S. Presidency, into a joke, and has made a laughing stock of
both himself and his country. The fact he was doing this stuff in
the Oval office itself, rather than a sleazy motel like normal
people, compounds the offense. His apology was lame and evasive,
admitting only that his relationship with Lewinsky was "not
proper", and he has relied on contorted legalistic definitions of
"sexual relationship" that defy common sense in order to deny
charges of perjury. And he used weasel words like "misled" rather
than "lied" to excuse his deception of the public.
You'd think that most Americans would want to be rid of this
lying sleazebag forthwith, especially in the wake of the self-
righteous outrage that greeted Tonya when she was revealed to be
not telling the truth. But, bizarrely, it appears that this is
not the case.
Even before the broadcast, a Time poll showed that 60% of
Americans didn't believe Clinton's denials. Yet the same poll
also showed that 70% didn't want him impeached. You don't need to
be Albert Einstein to work out that that means at least 30% of
those who thought he was lying were prepared to forgive him.
Surprisingly, the President's subsequent admissions, and the
release of the Starr report a few days ago seem to have changed
this opinion little either. Despite Starr's lurid blow by blow
descriptions (if you'll excuse the pun) of the President's
activities, polls taken after the report's release show less than
a third of Americans supporting impeachment and over 60%
approving of Clinton's job performance.
Given the willingness of so many Americans to forgive Clinton for
his errors, we have to wonder why it is that they are not
prepared to accept Tonya's apology over the Incident. Tonya lied
to investigators, but has paid the price, both through the
justice system and in the destruction of her skating career.
Clinton, on the other hand, has perjured himself under oath in
Court - a much more serious matter. Tonya, like Clinton, lied to
the American people. But Tonya has also apologized and owned up,
unlike Clinton who tries to weasel his way out of admitting the
truth with complicated legal gobbledegook about what a "sexual
relationship" actually is. Like Tonya, Clinton's actions were an
embarrassment to his country. Yet people are willing to forgive
Clinton's repeated and pathetic lack of self control, but won't
forgive Tonya for acting out of fear and duress on one occasion.
Both Tonya and President Clinton have shown poor judgement; the
difference is that only the latter has the capacity to start
World War III.
There are even suggestions in Starr's report that Clinton may
have encouraged others to perjure themselves, something Tonya
"The Portlandian" asks: How many of those who forgive Clinton for
his transgressions refuse to watch Tonya skate? How many of those
skaters who refuse to skate with Tonya are prepared to give
Clinton a second chance, a chance they deny one of the greatest
talents ever to set foot on the ice? How many of those who are
outraged at Ken Starr's exposure of the most intimate details of
the President's sex life were similarly indignant when Tonya's
"Wedding Night" tape was released? And of those calling for the
President to be considered innocent until proven guilty, how many
were willing to give Tonya the same benefit of the doubt?
But then Clinton's a man - and that makes it entirely different,
As for Ms. Lewinsky, we'd suggest she'd be well advised to take
up ice skating. That way she'd develop a healthy sexual appetite
for normal things like chair legs rather than cigars.
SAMARANCH THE DRUG PUSHER COMES OUT
Back in February we exposed how corruption, commercialism and
drug abuse had taken over the Olympics, and how much of this can
be laid squarely at the feet of IOC President Juan Antonio
In a statement that has outraged many sportspeople, Samaranch, in
a recent interview in a Spanish language newspaper, has called
for the legalization of performance enhancing drugs, provided
they don't cause any harm to the athlete. The statement was then
hastily retracted a day later, with a cryptic explanation that
because there aren't any harmless performance enhancing drugs the
statement was only referring to a theoretical possibility.
Whatever the truth of what Samaranch really intended to say, we
feel that this proves that this guy is well past his use-by date.
At best, he's losing his marbles and doesn't know what he's
saying; at worst he's just admitting what we all knew - that he
really doesn't care about true sportsmanship, just winning at any
cost. Coming at the time of the Tour De Dope - oops - Tour De
France scandals, it's especially tasteless and totally
unacceptable. The most likely explanation is that Samaranch
really was in favor of a softer line on drugs but was unprepared
for the hostile reaction his remarks generated. All of which just
goes to show how totally out of touch he really is with real
sports fans and that his tenure as IOC head should end sooner
rather than later.
PORTICE HOME TOWN TO GET NEW ICE RINK
Proposals have recently been unveiled for a new ice skating venue
to be built in Christchurch, New Zealand, the home town of the
Portland Ice Skating Society.
The new rink proposal is for a full Olympic-size ice rink
measuring 30 by 60 meters (100 by 200 feet) to be constructed as
an extension to Queen Elizabeth II Park, a major Christchurch
sports stadium, as part of a major redevelopment of the park.
Although it is likely to be mainly used for hockey it could also
be used for figure skating, and will be built and managed by
Alpine Ice Sports, who operate Christchurch's only other
dedicated ice rink.
This exciting new development comes hard on the heels of the
opening of the WestpacTrust Center, another multipurpose events
center located on the other side of Christchurch, which also has
the capability to be converted to host ice shows.
With this in mind, we plan to write to the management of Alpine
Ice Sports to congratulate them on this project and offer our
we understand that your company has announced plans to
construct a major new ice rink in the Christchurch area. May
we be the first to enthusiastically endorse your project, as
Christchurch is sorely in need of new developments in this
We believe that we have come up with an ideal way to open your
new venue when it is completed, namely a skating exhibition by
one of the greatest figure-skaters the world has ever seen,
Tonya Maxene Harding. Tonya is a two-time U.S. National
champion, two-time Olympian, and one of only two women who
have ever completed the Triple Axel jump in a competition.
Unfortunately, Tonya is unable to skate in her home country
due to the snobbery and elistism of the skating establishment
who resent her working-class background, and falsely accuse
her of orchestrating a kneecapping attempt on another skater
some years ago. This is despite a complete lack of hard
evidence to that effect.
In addition to giving your new rink international exposure, it
would enormously enhance New Zealand's reputation and profile
in world figure skating, which is currently non-existent. It
would also strike a blow for freedom and justice. New Zealand
has a proud reputation of standing up against bullying by the
U.S. imperialists, such as our courageous stand on nuclear
ship visits. Here is your chance to do the equivalent on ice.
Should you decide to proceed in this direction, we suggest you
contact Tonya via her agent:
R. J. Garis Publicity Agency
629 South Rancho Santa Fe # 353
San Marcos. California 92069
Phone: (760) 471-4807
I humbly beg to remain your obedient servant,
Terence M. Hall
Head of Special Duties Section
Portland Ice Skating Society - New Zealand's Tonya Harding fan
NEXT ISSUE: SPECIAL CLINTON EXPOSE
- "I slept with Bill Clinton" - the President's teddy bear spills
the beans, and reveals exactly why he's called "Slick Willy".
- Bill and Hillary's wedding night video discovered!
VISIT THESE GREAT TONYA WEB SITES:
PortIce - http://www.geocities.com/Colosseum/Stadium/1190
Roy Edwards (formerly Jim Maxey) - http://www.tonyaharding.com
Dave House - http://www.davidhouse.com/tonya/index.html
Puppetboy - http://pages.ripco.com:8080/~deadboy/mirrortony2.html
Valerie Smith - http://www.olywa.net/radu/valerie/LilHam.html
Swan Lake - http://members.tripod.com/~TonyaHarding/index.html
Back to Portlandian index
Back to PortIce Home Page
This page hosted by
Get your own Free Home Page