TTTTT H   H  EEEEE
  T   H   H  E
  T   HHHHH  EEEEE
  T   H   H  E
  T   H   H  EEEEE

PPPP   OOOO  RRRR  TTTTT L       A   N   N DDDD  I   A   N   N TM
P   P O    O R   R   T   L      A A  NN  N D   D I  A A  NN  N
PPPP  O    O RRRR    T   L     AAAAA N N N D   D I AAAAA N N N
P     O    O R   R   T   L     A   A N  NN D   D I A   A N  NN
P      OOOO  R   R   T   LLLLL A   A N   N DDDD  I A   A N   N

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The Internet's unofficial fanzine dedicated to Tonya Harding, the
coolest ice skater of all time

December 19, 1996 Edition - Special Christmas edition
(C) 1996 Portland Ice Skating Society
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"PORTLANDIAN" NOW ON AFTHWWW

Due to a major technical breakthrough, "The Portlandian", the
Internet's premier Tonya Harding Fanzine, can now be read by
followers of "alt.fan.tonya-harding.whack.whack.whack". We hope
this will make an interesting change from the endless requests
for "wedding video" jpgs that seem to have been the major traffic
in this group recently.


SKATING WITH WOLVES

In an urgent "hold the presses" newsflash that has just reached
us, we have just heard that Tonya is considering an offer to
skate in Native American Gaming Houses (Indian casinos) in 
Oregon. Well, it ain't exactly the Icecapades, but it's a start. 
The same report also says she will be again delighting the 
crowds with her annual Christmas exhibition skate at her local 
Portland rink.

This follows a recent report in the "L.A. Times" that Tonya's 
agent, David Hans Schmidt, has unsuccessfully tried to persuade 
the Anaheim Ducks hockey team to allow Tonya to skate during 
intermissions, but was turned down.


KIMBALL DENIES ALLEGATION

Cornell Kimball, well known to Tonyaphiles as the author of 
several pornographic anti-Tonya stories, has recently contacted 
"The Portlandian" in order to deny allegations that he is the 
notorious "ck" who posted an article on "rec.sport.skating.ice. 
figure" back in October alleging that Nancy staged her own knee- 
whacking as a publicity stunt. We would like to restate that we 
here at "The Portlandian" will have no truck with such 
outlandish theories which we believe only serve to denigrate and 
discredit the Tonyaphile movement as a whole, placing us in the 
same category as flat-earthers, alien abduction theorists and 
the "Elvis is alive" brigade (unless they're talking about 
Stojko, of course).

Kimball, whose story "Punishment Time For Tonya" was so 
disgusting it was greeted with the comment "please, Mr Kimball, 
alt.sex.spanking is a newsgroup for sophisticated perverts" when 
posted to that group earlier this year, has also advised us that 
he is "no longer in the Tonya punishment story biz", a statement 
that will be greeted with enthusiasm by both Tonyaphiles and 
lovers of fine literature alike.


ITO RETIRES

We have recently received the sad news that Midori Ito, the only 
skater apart from Tonya to have ever performed a triple axel in 
a major competition, has announced her retirement from eligible 
competitive skating, citing the stress of such contests as the 
main reason. It is not clear at present whether this is a 
complete retirement from skating altogether, however, or merely 
from the amateur scene. Speculation is rife that if this is the 
case it may leave the way open for Tonya to skate with Midori in 
a tour of Japan next year when Tonya's probation (and thus 
travel restrictions) expire. A source high up in the "Team 
Tonya" camp who did not want to be named recently confirmed to 
our Florida correspondent that there is a huge cult following 
for Tonya in the Land Of The Rising Sun, saying "they just can't 
get enough of her". We believe that a tour with Ms Ito, perhaps 
entitled "Triple Axels and Double Crosses" (or some other mind-
blowingly cool title) would be the perfect way to kick off 
Tonya's long awaited comeback attempt.


ECKARDT LANDS BOND ROLE

Information has just reached us at "The Portlandian" that Shawn 
"Fat Man" Eckardt, the man with the 700 pound body and the 0.07 
IQ and a key figure in the Nancy Kerrigan knee-whacking 
conspiracy has been given the role of Pearce Brosnan's stunt 
double in the next up-and-coming James Bond film.

"We felt that Shawn's suave, sophisticated, debonair manner and 
close physical resemblance to Mr Brosnan made him the natural 
choice for the part", a spokesperson for Bond producer Albert R 
Cauliflower said recently. "That, plus the fact there was no 
chance of brain damage if he landed on his head while doing a 
stunt".


TONYA TO STAR IN REMAKE OF CLASSIC CHRISTMAS FILM

In more movie news, there has also been a strong rumor that 
Tonya will star in a $150 million dollar remake of that joyous 
Christmas turkey, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians". Tonya 
will play the coveted role of Torg The Robot opposite Arnold 
Scwarzenegger as Santa Claus. Much of the film will center 
around the comic antics of Torg and the Martians as the attempt 
to break into Santa's workshop to kidnap him and take him back 
to Mars, after first spending a day wagging off work and touring 
a big US city, says writer/producer John Hughes, who says that 
he once again plans to recycle the same tired, boring, worn out 
old formula he used in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", "Baby's Day 
Out" and way too many "Home Alone" films. "After all," he says, 
"it's worked half a dozen times before".

It is unclear whether there will be any skating involved.

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"THE PORTLANDIAN" WISHES TONYA AND ALL ITS READERS A MERRY 
CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, AND HAPPY SKATING.
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