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The Portlandian, the Internet's premier source of Tonya News
September 27, 2000 Edition - unique Olympic edition
(C) 2000 Portland Ice Skating Society
TONYA ON AIR
Back in June, you may recall that Tonya appeared as a guest on
the Internet radio site Eyada.com. Well, we've got some good
news: we've just been informed that Tonya will be doing another
Eyada interview on Thursday, September 28th at 9:20 AM Pacific.
And it gets better - Tonya will be doing a regular weekly show
for Eyada, starting probably before the end of the year! No dates
for this have been announced yet, but we'll let you know as soon
as we hear more info. So tune in on Thursday, if you can.
August was a busy month for Tonya. From the 14th to the 18th she
hosted "Bad Boys Week" for TNN, which went rather well. You
can read about it on their site at:
It features a very sexy shot of Tonya on a motorcycle. Better be
quick, as now that Bad Boys Week is over we don't know how long
the page will last!
That same week also saw Tonya appear as guest of honor at a
baseball game held in Charleston, SC on the evening of the 15th.
It was quite successful and postings on rec.sport.skating.ice.
figure suggest that it was reported on TV as far away as
California. Linda Lewis has now sent us a report on Tonya's
Hi Tonya fans:
We're back from a very quick but successful trip to Charleston,
SC. Tonya was the guest of the Charleston Riverdogs baseball
team, where she really charmed them. They were very nice to
Tonya, and she had a great time. They showed the Southern
Hospitality that you hear about so much.
Tonya got to throw out the first pitch for the game, and helped
do color commentary on the radio. It was a lot of fun for her.
They had media there and she did several small interviews. It
turns out that it's the biggest crowd they've had for a Tuesday
game. Usually they only have a crowd of one or two thousand,
but there were over 5000 people. They sold out almost all of
their souvenirs, and Tonya ended up signing over 400
autographs. I wish you could have been there (if you weren't).
The crowd welcomed her with cheers !! I see a turn around for
Tonya. Many, many people told her to keep going and not give
up. Which reminds me, I got a wonderful E-mail from a gentleman
who was is in the military. While he was in Kosova, he saw a
poster of Tonya, and underneath it someone had written "Don't
Give Up" ! That says a lot !!
And in case you're wondering, there are no reports of Tonya
singing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" like a certain East Coast
skater did at her appearance at a baseball game a few months
One of the baseballs Tonya autographed at this game recently went
for over $24 on E-bay. You can view it at:
A BIRTHDAY SURPRISE FOR TONYA
As you all may know, Tonya's 30th birthday is coming up in
November, and Kim White would like to do something special for
her from Blades Of Gold. Anyone with suggestions please contact
PORTICE SITE WINS AWARD
Recently our site was honored to win the Diane's Rink "Splendid
Skating Site" award. Diane is a big fan of Sarah Hughes, and we
guess she must be a Tonyaphile as well. Many thanks to Diane for
this. You can visit Diane's rink at:
AUSSIES FIND THIS "FAMILY" MAN AN OFFER THEY COULD REFUSE
The Olympic Games are now under way, and for us that means only
one thing: Andrew Jennings is back.
Regular readers of The Portlandian will be quite familiar with
Jennings - he's the courageous investigative journalist who was
researching Olympic sleaze and corruption years before it became
a trendy subject amongst the mainstream press. Two books he's
written on the subject, "The Lords of the Rings" (1992) and it's
sequel, "The New Lords of the Rings" (1996) have been mentioned
in previous issues, and as you'd expect, he's now got a third
book out, just in time for Sydney. Called "The Great Olympic
Swindle", it covers the more recent scandals, and exposes the so
called "reforms" as the sham they are. Highlights include:
- Jennings' testimony before the McCain committee
- more photos of the IOC President doing his "Heil Franco" stuff
back in the 60's & 70's, and new details of his association
with a very shady customer who was involved in a major
political bribery scandal in Europe recently.
- inside info from one of the hookers hired to help Salt Lake
City win the Games.
- how the IOC hired a top firm of spin doctors (whose previous
assignments include working for tobacco companies to convince
us that cigarettes are "safe" and for the Church of
Scientology) to whitewash the corruption mess
- disturbing details of how Russian gangsters are infiltrating
the Olympic movement.
This final accusation has already resulted in Gafur Rakhimov, one
of the men named by Jennings, being barred by the Australians
from entering the country, much to the annoyance of the Olympic
"family" who seem to think of themselves as entitled to some sort
of pseudo diplomatic immunity. According to an FBI file obtained
by Jennings, Rakhimov is alleged to be the head of a huge cocaine
and heroin smuggling racket in his native Uzbekistan and also
involved in counterfeiting. It's all just more evidence that
while as the media prefer to focus on the laughably amateurish
attempts of the likes of Jeff Gillooly and his goons to rig the
Olympics, the REAL bad guys are taking over sport quietly and un-
noticed in the background.
We've updated our Olympic Hall of Shame table to reflect
Jennings' new revelations. You can find it at:
Want more info? Then head for Jenning's web site at:
But be quick. At this rate, who knows how long it'll be before he
ends up with a cement overcoat?
THE HARAN CHRONICLES - PART 3: SKATING WITH DEATH
Tonight's episode: in the first part of a two part story, Joe
tells us about the controversial "death threat" tournament of
November 1993, in which someone tried to sabotage Tonya's
performance with a rather nasty phone call...
7 December 1999
Portland Ice Skating Society
To whom it may concern:
Here is the second installment of my big, long story. Let's say,
just to make things easier on me, that we'll dispense with the
convention of spelling out names of organizations in first usage
-- with acronym or abbreviated phrase following in parentheses --
and go with the acronym or abbreviated phrase right away. Okay?
Okay. (We'll pretend it's okay since I did it the right way in
my "chapter one" installment of this Letter Which Hopefully Ends
Some Day.) Here we go.
Regarding the Pacific Northwest Figure Skating Championships
(Regionals) in 1993: I remember Tonya stating that she wanted to
win that tournament for her fans; and also to show the USFSA
people who failed to give her a bye to the Nationals, in their
ongoing campaign to try and make her go away, that she was
easily worthy of such a bye. After all, she was already a
national champion; and here's these USFSA Nazis treating her as
if she was a novice in the sport. Anyway, she came with Gillooly
to the skating rink barely in time to throw on her skates and
take the ice for the warm-up. Gillooly ushered her briskly past
us THFC types and everyone else, almost in a trot to the skaters'
Well -- as Tonya was doing some stretching exercises on the ice,
the public-address system boomed out (or rather, as was the case
with the one at the rink in Clackamas Town Center, garbled/
mumbled out) a statement to the effect that the competition was
indefinitely postponed. I went back to the skaters' area, where
a grim-looking Tonya told me "something awful" had happened. I
could see she was preoccupied with her thoughts, so I asked a
Tonya-sympathetic "skating dad" what was up; and he said a threat
had been made on a skater's life. A few minutes later, I heard
from someone whose identity I cannot recall that the threat was
made against Tonya. She left out the back way with Gillooly
shortly thereafter, in the escort of a security officer; and I
went with her father to her Beavercreek home.
The four of us sat around, or rather her father and I sat around;
while Tonya paced in silence and Gillooly just stood there.
Tonya finally came back to planet Earth and said, "Let's watch a
movie." So we all sat down and watched "Aladdin." Tonya's
father went to get some hamburgers/fries for all of us. After a
while, after Al Harding had returned with the food, the telephone
rang and Gillooly (as always) answered it. He told us that the
USFSA wanted Tonya to return to the rink right away. Gillooly
was angry at this request, which seemed only natural, but Tonya
was deep in thought for a minute and then said, "We've got to
go." So we went back to the rink in one vehicle, after having
secured a protected parking spot ahead of time via the
sympathetic chief of security at Clackamas Town Center. A
security officer or two met us there and escorted our little
phalanx through the back corridors and in the back door to the
skaters' area of the rink.
As soon as we arrived, Tonya's two coaches took Tonya into the
first-aid room and closed the door. About 15 minutes later they
emerged. Tonya and Gillooly stood in the skaters' area, arm in
arm; and I stood next to them. Then the tournament referee,
Joseph Driano, approached Tonya and began to browbeat her in a
loud voice: "It's your fault there's a delay. All the skaters
are waiting. We've got a tournament to run. You're the skater
who must decide. We want to get on with this. You're the reason
for this situation. You're the skater involved. You've got to
make up your mind."
Tonya calmly told him they were waiting for her attorney to
arrive (Dennis Rawlinson, her coach's husband) from his downtown
office. "Well?" Driano insisted, "Are we going to hold this
competition or not? You're the skater responsible for this
delay. Are you going to skate or not?" Tonya repeated to him
her previous statement, that she was waiting to speak with
"Denny." Driano, in his best Mussolini imitation of haughtiness
and superiority, turned and stalked off. Tears began to roll
down Tonya's cheeks; and she was on the verge of breaking down
entirely. I was livid, wanting to go find Driano and beat the
stuffing out of him. But the above-mentioned "skating dad"
wisely told me: "Don't say anything. They can end Tonya's career
in a minute. Just don't say anything." Who did Driano think he
was, Mr. High and Mighty USFSA God, to make Tonya cry? This is
an example of how "gentlemanly" and "ladylike" the USFSA is!
Well, I'm done with this segment. I'll pick up where I left off
with this Regionals thing when I write again, which should be
very soon. Stay tuned!
It's fun, anyway, to keep Tonyamania alive as long as possible --
in any way we can. Best wishes to you.
---//SIGNED// JOSEPH A. HARAN, JR.
THE PORTLAND ICE SKATING SOCIETY
"It's Only Corruption"
the new game for the entire Olympic family
It's Olympics time, and in response to the overwhelming interest
the IOC members clearly have in sports, we've devised several new
events especially for them:
THE 100 METER GOOSE STEP
Are you a Fascist, Commie, or henchman to a military junta? If
so, this is the event for you! Make sure to bring your uniform,
your jackboots and plenty of blue shirts. Neatness and precision
rather than speed are important here. And don't forget to give a
hearty "Seig Hiel!" to His Excellency as you cross the finish
THE 50 K BRIBE
Sort of like a relay, with a few small changes:
1) you wear a business suit
2) the baton is replaced by a wad of $US50,000 in used, unmarked,
3) contestants run backwards, and must backhand the roll into the
pocket of the next runner. At the end of the race, the last
runner deposits the roll into the nearest numbered
Lichtensteinien bank account.
Erroneously thought by many to have been abolished by the IOC,
but now just as big an event as ever. A word of warning, though:
some contestants have been known to cheat by running off with the
This event is a team sport. You can bring your wife (or wives if
you've more than one). Bring your ex-wife. Bring your mistress.
Bring your kids and grandkids, and your brothers, sisters and
cousins. Give each of them two large shopping bags. Then have
them wander through as many big, up-market stores (like Saks or
Harrods) as they can, filling the shopping bags with as much high
priced merchandise as possible in the four years allowed.
Jewelry, furs, champagne, computers, DVD players, car parts,
mountain bikes - you name it - anything that takes your fancy.
The team with the heaviest load at the finish wins. And don't
worry about the cost - your local friendly Olympic bid committee
will gladly pick up the tab! Perfect if you're the kind of
Olympian for whom "gold" is just the color of a credit card!
It works like this: you give us the freakin' medals, or we stick
a dead horse in your bed. It's an offer you can't refuse.
Once an event dominated by the Sicilians, they now face stiff
competition from the emerging former Soviet republics and the
Asian triad teams. Expect to see more of this in the future Games
- if the contestants can keep out of jail.
You don't need a pool for this one. You can do it in your hotel
room, in the elevator, in the closet, in fact any bidding city
where there's a few tasty looking women to be groped. Recommended
for any dirty old (or even middle-aged) IOC member who fancies a
bit of "horizontal jogging". So far, "Mr Wandering Hands" is the
gold medal champion, but he's come under strong suspicion
recently of using performance enhancing drugs - and we mean
Viagra, not steroids. Distinctly a possible sport for a certain
US President if he's looking for something to do in retirement.
An ability to backpedal furiously when you're caught with your
pants down is the key quality here - e.g. you say something
stupid, like that you support the use of drugs by athletes under
certain circumstances, and then hastily retract it as fast as
possible, usually with some lame excuse about "translation
problems". Yes, translating Spanish into Spanish is always really
fraught with difficulty.
FENCING AND SHOOTING
At last - we've finally found a use for all those expensive
shotguns and samurai swords that have been gathering dust for so
long in the Olympic Museum in Lausanne. If you need more guns,
you can just ask the Salt Lake City bid committee for some more.
And if they haven't got any, Joao Havelange will be sure to dig
some up, just like he did for the Brazilian military junta few
years back. Don't expect any sponsorship from McDonalds, however.
And last but definitely not least:
JAVELIN - don't forget to make sure the javelin lands in the back
of one of your fellow IOC members.
THE CABER TOSS - using logs generously supplied by Bob Hasan and
his Indonesian lumber cartel.
BOXING - the sport where a fistful of dollars decides the result.
VISIT THESE GREAT TONYA WEB SITES:
PortIce - http://www.geocities.com/portice
Dave House - http://www.davidhouse.com/tonya/index.html
Charlie Main - http://www.charliesweb.com/tonya/tonya.html
Puppetboy - http://www.puppetland.com/mirrortony2.html
Valerie Smith - http://www.olywa.net/radu/valerie/LilHam.html
Swan Lake - http://members.tripod.com/~TonyaHarding/index.html
Blades of Gold - http://members.tripod.com/tmhfan/index.html
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