T   H   H  E
  T   H   H  E
  T   H   H  EEEEE

PPPP   OOOO  RRRR  TTTTT L       A   N   N DDDD  I   A   N   N TM
P   P O    O R   R   T   L      A A  NN  N D   D I  A A  NN  N
PPPP  O    O RRRR    T   L     AAAAA N N N D   D I AAAAA N N N
P     O    O R   R   T   L     A   A N  NN D   D I A   A N  NN
P      OOOO  R   R   T   LLLLL A   A N   N DDDD  I A   A N   N

The Internet's unofficial fanzine dedicated to Tonya Harding, the
coolest ice skater of all time

November 12, 1996 Edition - Special Birthday issue!
(C) 1996 Portland Ice Skating Society


Tonya Harding, the skater so cool they had to ban her to get rid
of her, today celebrates her 26th Birthday, as she works hard on
her long awaited comeback attempt. Tonya was born this day in
Oregon in 1970 - and don't let anybody tell you otherwise,
ESPECIALLY a certain Californian student who likes to pretend to
be "Australian" and who will try to convince you she is too. This
is hogwash - Tonya is of pure OREGONIAN origin, the result of
careful genetic selection from the best of the Pacific
Northwest's trailer parks.


Plans were well under way this week to petition the Vatican (or,
as Tonya prefers to call it, "that's some religious place, isn't
it?") to canonize Tonya - the first step towards Sainthood - in
the wake of her miraculous resurrection of an elderly lady in a
Portland tavern recently. Alice Olsen, aged 81, recently
collapsed in the "Lost and Found" bar in that city last week, and
was revived from the dead by Tonya, who happened be on the scene
and performed a "laying on of hands" in the form of CPR. Tonya,
ever modest as she is, refused to take the credit for this heroic
action and instead preferred to say that God had guided her to
this bar to perform this courageous feat.


Following up her triumphant appearance on the "Geraldo Rivera
Show" in July, Tonya has once again appeared on national
television, this time in the form of the highly reputable tabloid
news program "Inside Edition" to demonstrate her amazing triple
axel, which she performed with only minor flaws. Tonya was the
first American woman to perform this jump in a major competition
and is currently the ONLY woman in the world performing it at
all, following the regrettable hospitalization of Midori Ito with
a nasty sounding disease. "The Portlandian" wishes Ms. Ito a
speedy recovery from her ailment and hopes she returns soon to
the ice. Perhaps she could benefit from some of Tonya's miraculous 
healing powers?


In a recent interview by Craig Lewis, dated 11-5-96, Tonya has
revealed what life was like in her 100 day marriage to her second
husband, Michael Smith - and let's just say it wasn't wedded
bliss. Tonya recounts how Smith severely abused her on several
occasions, once slapping her in front of her father. This comes
as no surprise to the staff at "The Portlandian"; you can sort of
guess that a marriage is off to a shaky start when the groom says
"Ugh" instead of "I do" at the wedding ceremony. But Portland's
Princess of Poor Taste had the last laugh, however. When Smith
slapped her again, Tonya, in a move that would have done Lorena
Bobbit proud, grabbed Smith's "naughty bits" and gave them a good
wrench,leaving him screaming in agony on the floor! Way to go
Tonya!! That'll teach the creep not to treat a lady that way!!!!

Our only regret here at "The Portlandian" is that Tonya didn't do
the same to her previous husband, Jeff Gillooly's goolies.
However, if you've seen the now famous "Wedding Night" video
you'll know that Gillooly doesn't have anything big enough down
there to get a good grip on anyway. In fact, the only thing his
performance in "Wedding Night" shows is that his ineptitude in
bed is exceeded only by his incompetence at using a camcorder.

In any case, could this indicate that Tonya might be skating in
the next performance of "Nutcracker on Ice"?

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