T   H   H  E
  T   H   H  E
  T   H   H  EEEEE

PPPP   OOOO  RRRR  TTTTT L       A   N   N DDDD  I   A   N   N TM
P   P O    O R   R   T   L      A A  NN  N D   D I  A A  NN  N
PPPP  O    O RRRR    T   L     AAAAA N N N D   D I AAAAA N N N
P     O    O R   R   T   L     A   A N  NN D   D I A   A N  NN
P      OOOO  R   R   T   LLLLL A   A N   N DDDD  I A   A N   N

The Portlandian, the Internet's premier source of Tonya News

September 17, 1998 Edition
(C) 1998 Portland Ice Skating Society

"The Portlandian", figure skating's answer to the Drudge Report, 
brings you another controversy packed issue full of Tonya news 
and opinions.


We are pleased to announce that Tonya has now appointed the R.J. 
Garis Agency to act as her agents and publicists. The Garis 
agency lists a wide variety of celebrities amongst its clients, 
ranging from Chuck Norris, Kim Basinger and Aaron Spelling to 
even a couple of members of the Partridge Family (which at least 
shows how long they've been around). So if you want to hire Tonya 
to skate, these are the guys to call. They can be reached at:

   R. J. Garis Publicity Agency
   629 South Rancho Santa Fe # 353
   San Marcos. California 92069 

   Phone: (760) 471-4807


Roy Edwards has revamped his movie area to make things a bit more 
orderly. Puppetboy now has his membership certificate on line 
that you can print out and download. Meanwhile, we at PortIce 
have now added links to the Washington Post's archive of Tonya 
coverage. And in addition we have updated our feedback form so 
you can now leave messages to Tonya or public messages to be 
posted on our site.

Another Tonya page has also been discovered, too. This time it's 
a group of Tonya fans in Oslo called Eventyrplassen Vannførelag, 
and we'll be adding it to our list of Tonya links shortly. 
However, you'd better bone up on your Norwegian if you plan to 

What it says, we've got no idea. But hey, they're Tonyaphiles, so 
why complain about trivia?


Ever wonder what happened to Joe Haran, the editor of that 
controversial Tonya 'zine "The Skater"? Don't worry, he's still 
pushing the Tonyaphile cause. Last December, Joe made a speech to 
Portland's Humanist association, in which he outlined how crooked 
media interests helped destroy our heroine. The speech was 
reported in the "The Business Journal of Portland", and can be 
read at:

In addition, Haran also outlines a couple of interesting Tonya 
stories that are not widely known, such as how some of Tonya's 
fellow skating students showed their appreciation of her fine 
talents by dumping her into a restroom trash can at age 12 whilst 
chanting, "Trash for the trash." Her coach eventually heard her 
crying and rescued her.

He also reveals exactly why Tonya went for a plea bargain rather 
than fighting in court: "She finally broke down. From what I 
understand, she was having nightmares and had an irrational fear 
of going to jail. She had other people who took over her affairs 
and she finally just gave up. It was understandable under the 
circumstances, but the punishment was too much." 


Recently, Americans had to endure the spectacle of President 
Clinton admitting on television that he had a relationship with 
Monica Lewinsky, one that he described as "not proper", and that 
he had "misled" people in his previous denials.

It has to be said that Clinton is a man who gives being a sexual 
deviant a bad name. His continued inability to keep the First 
Willy properly zippered is an embarrassment to himself, his 
family, and the American people. He has succeeded in turning one 
of the most prestigious institutions in the world, that of the 
U.S. Presidency, into a joke, and has made a laughing stock of 
both himself and his country. The fact he was doing this stuff in 
the Oval office itself, rather than a sleazy motel like normal 
people, compounds the offense. His apology was lame and evasive, 
admitting only that his relationship with Lewinsky was "not 
proper", and he has relied on contorted legalistic definitions of 
"sexual relationship" that defy common sense in order to deny 
charges of perjury. And he used weasel words like "misled" rather 
than "lied" to excuse his deception of the public.

You'd think that most Americans would want to be rid of this 
lying sleazebag forthwith, especially in the wake of the self-
righteous outrage that greeted Tonya when she was revealed to be 
not telling the truth. But, bizarrely, it appears that this is 
not the case.

Even before the broadcast, a Time poll showed that 60% of 
Americans didn't believe Clinton's denials. Yet the same poll 
also showed that 70% didn't want him impeached. You don't need to 
be Albert Einstein to work out that that means at least 30% of 
those who thought he was lying were prepared to forgive him. 
Surprisingly, the President's subsequent admissions, and the 
release of the Starr report a few days ago seem to have changed 
this opinion little either. Despite Starr's lurid blow by blow 
descriptions (if you'll excuse the pun) of the President's 
activities, polls taken after the report's release show less than 
a third of Americans supporting impeachment and over 60% 
approving of Clinton's job performance.

Given the willingness of so many Americans to forgive Clinton for 
his errors, we have to wonder why it is that they are not 
prepared to accept Tonya's apology over the Incident. Tonya lied 
to investigators, but has paid the price, both through the 
justice system and in the destruction of her skating career. 
Clinton, on the other hand, has perjured himself under oath in 
Court - a much more serious matter. Tonya, like Clinton, lied to 
the American people. But Tonya has also apologized and owned up, 
unlike Clinton who tries to weasel his way out of admitting the 
truth with complicated legal gobbledegook about what a "sexual 
relationship" actually is. Like Tonya, Clinton's actions were an 
embarrassment to his country. Yet people are willing to forgive 
Clinton's repeated and pathetic lack of self control, but won't 
forgive Tonya for acting out of fear and duress on one occasion.  
Both Tonya and President Clinton have shown poor judgement; the 
difference is that only the latter has the capacity to start 
World War III.

There are even suggestions in Starr's report that Clinton may 
have encouraged others to perjure themselves, something Tonya 
never did.

"The Portlandian" asks: How many of those who forgive Clinton for 
his transgressions refuse to watch Tonya skate? How many of those 
skaters who refuse to skate with Tonya are prepared to give 
Clinton a second chance, a chance they deny one of the greatest 
talents ever to set foot on the ice? How many of those who are 
outraged at Ken Starr's exposure of the most intimate details of 
the President's sex life were similarly indignant when Tonya's 
"Wedding Night" tape was released? And of those calling for the 
President to be considered innocent until proven guilty, how many 
were willing to give Tonya the same benefit of the doubt?

But then Clinton's a man - and that makes it entirely different, 
doesn't it?

As for Ms. Lewinsky, we'd suggest she'd be well advised to take 
up ice skating. That way she'd develop a healthy sexual appetite 
for normal things like chair legs rather than cigars.


Back in February we exposed how corruption, commercialism and 
drug abuse had taken over the Olympics, and how much of this can 
be laid squarely at the feet of IOC President Juan Antonio 

In a statement that has outraged many sportspeople, Samaranch, in 
a recent interview in a Spanish language newspaper, has called 
for the legalization of performance enhancing drugs, provided 
they don't cause any harm to the athlete. The statement was then 
hastily retracted a day later, with a cryptic explanation that 
because there aren't any harmless performance enhancing drugs the 
statement was only referring to a theoretical possibility. 

Whatever the truth of what Samaranch really intended to say, we 
feel that this proves that this guy is well past his use-by date. 
At best, he's losing his marbles and doesn't know what he's 
saying; at worst he's just admitting what we all knew - that he 
really doesn't care about true sportsmanship, just winning at any 
cost. Coming at the time of the Tour De Dope - oops - Tour De 
France scandals, it's especially tasteless and totally 
unacceptable. The most likely explanation is that Samaranch 
really was in favor of a softer line on drugs but was unprepared 
for the hostile reaction his remarks generated. All of which just 
goes to show how totally out of touch he really is with real 
sports fans and that his tenure as IOC head should end sooner 
rather than later.


Proposals have recently been unveiled for a new ice skating venue 
to be built in Christchurch, New Zealand, the home town of the 
Portland Ice Skating Society.

The new rink proposal is for a full Olympic-size ice rink 
measuring 30 by 60 meters (100 by 200 feet) to be constructed as 
an extension to Queen Elizabeth II Park, a major Christchurch 
sports stadium, as part of a major redevelopment of the park. 
Although it is likely to be mainly used for hockey it could also 
be used for figure skating, and will be built and managed by 
Alpine Ice Sports, who operate Christchurch's only other 
dedicated ice rink.

This exciting new development comes hard on the heels of the 
opening of the WestpacTrust Center, another multipurpose events 
center located on the other side of Christchurch, which also has 
the capability to be converted to host ice shows.

With this in mind, we plan to write to the management of Alpine 
Ice Sports to congratulate them on this project and offer our 

   Dear Sirs,

   we understand that your company has announced plans to 
   construct a major new ice rink in the Christchurch area. May 
   we be the first to enthusiastically endorse your project, as 
   Christchurch is sorely in need of new developments in this 

   We believe that we have come up with an ideal way to open your 
   new venue when it is completed, namely a skating exhibition by 
   one of the greatest figure-skaters the world has ever seen, 
   Tonya Maxene Harding. Tonya is a two-time U.S. National 
   champion, two-time Olympian, and one of only two women who 
   have ever completed the Triple Axel jump in a competition. 
   Unfortunately, Tonya is unable to skate in her home country 
   due to the snobbery and elistism of the skating establishment 
   who resent her working-class background, and falsely accuse 
   her of orchestrating a kneecapping attempt on another skater 
   some years ago. This is despite a complete lack of hard 
   evidence to that effect.

   In addition to giving your new rink international exposure, it 
   would enormously enhance New Zealand's reputation and profile 
   in world figure skating, which is currently non-existent. It 
   would also strike a blow for freedom and justice. New Zealand 
   has a proud reputation of standing up against bullying by the 
   U.S. imperialists, such as our courageous stand on nuclear 
   ship visits. Here is your chance to do the equivalent on ice.

   Should you decide to proceed in this direction, we suggest you 
   contact Tonya via her agent:

	R. J. Garis Publicity Agency
	629 South Rancho Santa Fe # 353
	San Marcos. California 92069 

	Phone: (760) 471-4807

   I humbly beg to remain your obedient servant,

   Terence M. Hall
   Head of Special Duties Section
   Portland Ice Skating Society - New Zealand's Tonya Harding fan 


- "I slept with Bill Clinton" - the President's teddy bear spills 
   the beans, and reveals exactly why he's called "Slick Willy".

- Bill and Hillary's wedding night video discovered!


PortIce -
Roy Edwards (formerly Jim Maxey) -
Dave House -
Puppetboy -
Valerie Smith -
Swan Lake -
Back to Portlandian index
Back to PortIce Home Page

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page