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  T   H   H  E
  T   H   H  EEEEE

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P   P O    O R   R   T   L      A A  NN  N D   D I  A A  NN  N
PPPP  O    O RRRR    T   L     AAAAA N N N D   D I AAAAA N N N
P     O    O R   R   T   L     A   A N  NN D   D I A   A N  NN
P      OOOO  R   R   T   LLLLL A   A N   N DDDD  I A   A N   N

The Portlandian, the Internet's premier source of Tonya News

September 27, 2000 Edition - unique Olympic edition
(C) 2000 Portland Ice Skating Society


Back in June, you may recall that Tonya appeared as a guest on 
the Internet radio site Well, we've got some good 
news: we've just been informed that Tonya will be doing another 
Eyada interview on Thursday, September 28th at 9:20 AM Pacific. 
And it gets better - Tonya will be doing a regular weekly show 
for Eyada, starting probably before the end of the year! No dates 
for this have been announced yet, but we'll let you know as soon 
as we hear more info. So tune in on Thursday, if you can.


August was a busy month for Tonya. From the 14th to the 18th she 
hosted "Bad Boys Week" for TNN, which went rather well. You 
can read about it on their site at:

It features a very sexy shot of Tonya on a motorcycle. Better be 
quick, as now that Bad Boys Week is over we don't know how long 
the page will last!

That same week also saw Tonya appear as guest of honor at a 
baseball game held in Charleston, SC on the evening of the 15th. 
It was quite successful and postings on
figure suggest that it was reported on TV as far away as 
California. Linda Lewis has now sent us a report on Tonya's 

  Hi Tonya fans:

  We're back from a very quick but successful trip to Charleston, 
  SC. Tonya was the guest of the Charleston Riverdogs baseball 
  team, where she really charmed them. They were very nice to 
  Tonya, and she had a great time. They showed the Southern 
  Hospitality that you hear about so much.

  Tonya got to throw out the first pitch for the game, and helped 
  do color commentary on the radio. It was a lot of fun for her. 
  They had media there and she did several small interviews. It 
  turns out that it's the biggest crowd they've had for a Tuesday 
  game. Usually they only have a crowd of one or two thousand,   
  but there were over 5000 people. They sold out almost all of 
  their souvenirs, and Tonya ended up signing over 400 
  autographs. I wish you could have been there (if you weren't). 
  The crowd welcomed her with cheers !! I see a turn around for 
  Tonya. Many, many people told her to keep going and not give 
  up. Which reminds me, I got a wonderful E-mail from a gentleman 
  who was is in the military. While he was in Kosova, he saw a 
  poster of Tonya, and underneath it someone had written "Don't 
  Give Up" ! That says a lot !!

And in case you're wondering, there are no reports of Tonya 
singing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" like a certain East Coast 
skater did at her appearance at a baseball game a few months 

One of the baseballs Tonya autographed at this game recently went 
for over $24 on E-bay. You can view it at:


As you all may know, Tonya's 30th birthday is coming up in 
November, and Kim White would like to do something special for 
her from Blades Of Gold. Anyone with suggestions please contact 


Recently our site was honored to win the Diane's Rink "Splendid 
Skating Site" award. Diane is a big fan of Sarah Hughes, and we 
guess she must be a Tonyaphile as well. Many thanks to Diane for 
this. You can visit Diane's rink at:


The Olympic Games are now under way, and for us that means only 
one thing: Andrew Jennings is back.

Regular readers of The Portlandian will be quite familiar with 
Jennings - he's the courageous investigative journalist who was 
researching Olympic sleaze and corruption years before it became 
a trendy subject amongst the mainstream press. Two books he's 
written on the subject, "The Lords of the Rings" (1992) and it's 
sequel, "The New Lords of the Rings" (1996) have been mentioned 
in previous issues, and as you'd expect, he's now got a third 
book out, just in time for Sydney. Called "The Great Olympic 
Swindle", it covers the more recent scandals, and exposes the so 
called "reforms" as the sham they are. Highlights include:

- Jennings' testimony before the McCain committee

- more photos of the IOC President doing his "Heil Franco" stuff 
  back in the 60's & 70's, and new details of his association 
  with a very shady customer who was involved in a major 
  political bribery scandal in Europe recently.

- inside info from one of the hookers hired to help Salt Lake 
  City win the Games.

- how the IOC hired a top firm of spin doctors (whose previous 
  assignments include working for tobacco companies to convince 
  us that cigarettes are "safe" and for the Church of 
  Scientology) to whitewash the corruption mess

- disturbing details of how Russian gangsters are infiltrating 
  the Olympic movement. 

This final accusation has already resulted in Gafur Rakhimov, one 
of the men named by Jennings, being barred by the Australians 
from entering the country, much to the annoyance of the Olympic 
"family" who seem to think of themselves as entitled to some sort 
of pseudo diplomatic immunity. According to an FBI file obtained 
by Jennings, Rakhimov is alleged to be the head of a huge cocaine 
and heroin smuggling racket in his native Uzbekistan and also 
involved in counterfeiting. It's all just more evidence that 
while as the media prefer to focus on the laughably amateurish 
attempts of the likes of Jeff Gillooly and his goons to rig the 
Olympics, the REAL bad guys are taking over sport quietly and un-
noticed in the background.

We've updated our Olympic Hall of Shame table to reflect 
Jennings' new revelations. You can find it at:

Want more info? Then head for Jenning's web site at:

But be quick. At this rate, who knows how long it'll be before he 
ends up with a cement overcoat?


Tonight's episode: in the first part of a two part story, Joe 
tells us about the controversial "death threat" tournament of 
November 1993, in which someone tried to sabotage Tonya's 
performance with a rather nasty phone call...

7 December 1999  

"The Portlandian"  
Portland Ice Skating Society  
New Zealand  

To whom it may concern:  

Here is the second installment of my big, long story.  Let's say, 
just to make things easier on me, that we'll dispense with the 
convention of spelling out names of organizations in first usage 
-- with acronym or abbreviated phrase following in parentheses -- 
and go with the acronym or abbreviated phrase right away.  Okay? 
Okay.  (We'll pretend it's okay since I did it the right way in 
my "chapter one" installment of this Letter Which Hopefully Ends 
Some Day.)  Here we go.  

Regarding the Pacific Northwest Figure Skating Championships 
(Regionals) in 1993:  I remember Tonya stating that she wanted to 
win that tournament for her fans; and also to show the USFSA 
people who failed to give her a bye to the Nationals, in their 
ongoing campaign to try and make her go away, that she was 
easily worthy of such a bye.  After all, she was already a 
national champion; and here's these USFSA Nazis treating her as 
if she was a novice in the sport. Anyway, she came with Gillooly 
to the skating rink barely in time to throw on her skates and 
take the ice for the warm-up.  Gillooly ushered her briskly past 
us THFC types and everyone else, almost in a trot to the skaters' 

Well -- as Tonya was doing some stretching exercises on the ice, 
the public-address system boomed out (or rather, as was the case 
with the one at the rink in Clackamas Town Center, garbled/
mumbled out) a statement to the effect that the competition was 
indefinitely postponed.  I went back to the skaters' area, where 
a grim-looking Tonya told me "something awful" had happened.  I 
could see she was preoccupied with her thoughts, so I asked a 
Tonya-sympathetic "skating dad" what was up; and he said a threat 
had been made on a skater's life.  A few minutes later, I heard 
from someone whose identity I cannot recall that the threat was 
made against Tonya.  She left out the back way with Gillooly 
shortly thereafter, in the escort of a security officer; and I 
went with her father to her Beavercreek home.  

The four of us sat around, or rather her father and I sat around; 
while Tonya paced in silence and Gillooly just stood there.  
Tonya finally came back to planet Earth and said, "Let's watch a 
movie."  So we all sat down and watched "Aladdin."  Tonya's 
father went to get some hamburgers/fries for all of us.  After a 
while, after Al Harding had returned with the food, the telephone 
rang and Gillooly (as always) answered it.  He told us that the 
USFSA wanted Tonya to return to the rink right away.  Gillooly 
was angry at this request, which seemed only natural, but Tonya 
was deep in thought for a minute and then said, "We've got to 
go."  So we went back to the rink in one vehicle, after having 
secured a protected parking spot ahead of time via the 
sympathetic chief of security at Clackamas Town Center.  A 
security officer or two met us there and escorted our little 
phalanx through the back corridors and in the back door to the 
skaters' area of the rink.  

As soon as we arrived, Tonya's two coaches took Tonya into the 
first-aid room and closed the door.  About 15 minutes later they 
emerged.  Tonya and Gillooly stood in the skaters' area, arm in 
arm; and I stood next to them.  Then the tournament referee, 
Joseph Driano, approached Tonya and began to browbeat her in a 
loud voice:  "It's your fault there's a delay.  All the skaters 
are waiting.  We've got a tournament to run.  You're the skater 
who must decide.  We want to get on with this.  You're the reason 
for this situation.  You're the skater involved.  You've got to 
make up your mind."

Tonya calmly told him they were waiting for her attorney to 
arrive (Dennis Rawlinson, her coach's husband) from his downtown 
office.  "Well?" Driano insisted, "Are we going to hold this 
competition or not?  You're the skater responsible for this 
delay.  Are you going to skate or not?"  Tonya repeated to him 
her previous statement, that she was waiting to speak with 
"Denny."  Driano, in his best Mussolini imitation of haughtiness 
and superiority, turned and stalked off.  Tears began to roll 
down Tonya's cheeks; and she was on the verge of breaking down 
entirely.  I was livid, wanting to go find Driano and beat the 
stuffing out of him.  But the above-mentioned "skating dad" 
wisely told me: "Don't say anything.  They can end Tonya's career 
in a minute.  Just don't say anything."  Who did Driano think he 
was, Mr. High and Mighty USFSA God, to make Tonya cry?  This is 
an example of how "gentlemanly" and "ladylike" the USFSA is! 

Well, I'm done with this segment.  I'll pick up where I left off 
with this Regionals thing when I write again, which should be 
very soon.  Stay tuned!

It's fun, anyway, to keep Tonyamania alive as long as possible -- 
in any way we can.  Best wishes to you.  




                     "It's Only Corruption"

           the new game for the entire Olympic family

It's Olympics time, and in response to the overwhelming interest 
the IOC members clearly have in sports, we've devised several new 
events especially for them:


Are you a Fascist, Commie, or henchman to a military junta? If 
so, this is the event for you! Make sure to bring your uniform, 
your jackboots and plenty of blue shirts. Neatness and precision 
rather than speed are important here. And don't forget to give a 
hearty "Seig Hiel!" to His Excellency as you cross the finish 


Sort of like a relay, with a few small changes:

1) you wear a business suit

2) the baton is replaced by a wad of $US50,000 in used, unmarked,    
   non-sequential bills

3) contestants run backwards, and must backhand the roll into the 
   pocket of the next runner. At the end of the race, the last 
   runner deposits the roll into the nearest numbered 
   Lichtensteinien bank account.

Erroneously thought by many to have been abolished by the IOC, 
but now just as big an event as ever. A word of warning, though: 
some contestants have been known to cheat by running off with the 


This event is a team sport. You can bring your wife (or wives if 
you've more than one). Bring your ex-wife. Bring your mistress. 
Bring your kids and grandkids, and your brothers, sisters and 
cousins. Give each of them two large shopping bags. Then have 
them wander through as many big, up-market stores (like Saks or 
Harrods) as they can, filling the shopping bags with as much high 
priced merchandise as possible in the four years allowed. 
Jewelry, furs, champagne, computers, DVD players, car parts, 
mountain bikes - you name it - anything that takes your fancy. 
The team with the heaviest load at the finish wins. And don't 
worry about the cost - your local friendly Olympic bid committee 
will gladly pick up the tab! Perfect if you're the kind of 
Olympian for whom "gold" is just the color of a credit card!


It works like this: you give us the freakin' medals, or we stick 
a dead horse in your bed. It's an offer you can't refuse.

Once an event dominated by the Sicilians, they now face stiff 
competition from the emerging former Soviet republics and the 
Asian triad teams. Expect to see more of this in the future Games 
- if the contestants can keep out of jail.


You don't need a pool for this one. You can do it in your hotel 
room, in the elevator, in the closet, in fact any bidding city 
where there's a few tasty looking women to be groped. Recommended 
for any dirty old (or even middle-aged) IOC member who fancies a 
bit of "horizontal jogging". So far, "Mr Wandering Hands" is the 
gold medal champion, but he's come under strong suspicion 
recently of using performance enhancing drugs - and we mean 
Viagra, not steroids. Distinctly a possible sport for a certain 
US President if he's looking for something to do in retirement.


An ability to backpedal furiously when you're caught with your 
pants down is the key quality here - e.g. you say something 
stupid, like that you support the use of drugs by athletes under 
certain circumstances, and then hastily retract it as fast as 
possible, usually with some lame excuse about "translation 
problems". Yes, translating Spanish into Spanish is always really 
fraught with difficulty.


At last - we've finally found a use for all those expensive 
shotguns and samurai swords that have been gathering dust for so 
long in the Olympic Museum in Lausanne. If you need more guns, 
you can just ask the Salt Lake City bid committee for some more. 
And if they haven't got any, Joao Havelange will be sure to dig 
some up, just like he did for the Brazilian military junta few 
years back. Don't expect any sponsorship from McDonalds, however.

And last but definitely not least:

JAVELIN - don't forget to make sure the javelin lands in the back 
of one of your fellow IOC members.

THE CABER TOSS - using logs generously supplied by Bob Hasan and 
his Indonesian lumber cartel.

BOXING - the sport where a fistful of dollars decides the result.


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