T   H   H  E
  T   H   H  E
  T   H   H  EEEEE

PPPP   OOOO  RRRR  TTTTT L       A   N   N DDDD  I   A   N   N TM 
P   P O    O R   R   T   L      A A  NN  N D   D I  A A  NN  N
PPPP  O    O RRRR    T   L     AAAAA N N N D   D I AAAAA N N N
P     O    O R   R   T   L     A   A N  NN D   D I A   A N  NN
P      OOOO  R   R   T   LLLLL A   A N   N DDDD  I A   A N   N

The Internet's unofficial fanzine dedicated to Tonya Harding, a
young lady whose principal interests are figure-skating and 
January 21, 1997 Edition 
(C) 1997 Portland Ice Skating Society

"The Portlandian", the Internet's premier Tonya e-zine, welcomes 
readers from around the world and hopes they had a merry festive 
season. Since our last issue we have received e-mail from all
over the globe, including California, South Africa and deep in
the heart of Tonyaland in Columbia County, Oregon, which for the 
geographically challenged (i.e. those without a map handy) is
just north of Portland.


The Associated Press reported last week that Tonya's long awaited
professional skating debut will occur next month on the 22nd of
February at the Reno Convention Center in Reno, Nevada, in an
event sponsored by the Flamingo Hilton hotel. Tonya will perform
a three minute program, presumably as part of a larger show of
some kind, details of which have not been released. This is good
news for all Tonyaphiles, and is something we have been waiting
for three years to see. And as for who else will be skating with
Tonya? Well, we note that Reno is a jumping off point for flights
in and out of the notorious Area 51, so perhaps we'll see the
skating debut of some of those little grey buggers that some
people reckon they're hiding out there. This is not totally 
implausible; in view of the recent discovery of ice on the moon,
it doesn't seem totally unlikely that there may be skating rinks
on other planets. Will the show be entitled "Aliens On Ice",
perhaps? If this is the case, we predict it would create all
kinds of havoc in the newsgroup; I
mean, when people talk about "Roz" will they mean Roz Sumners or
Roz the Roswell Alien?

We also note that 3 minutes is almost exactly the running time of
"I Killed Bambi" by the Sex Pistols and speculate as to whether
this gives some clue as to the nature of Tonya's forthcoming

Tonya's agent, David Hans Schmidt of DHS Public Relations in
Phoenix, AZ, has also announced that Tonya will be skating in
Germany "very soon" (which we assume means after her probation
expires). We will keep you posted as soon as further details

Things are sure hotting up on the Tonya front!


The skating world has been reeling for the past few days in the
wake of news that Oksana Baiul, the orphan Ukrainian figure-
skater who STOLE the 1994 Olympic gold medal that would have
rightfully gone to Tonya if it hadn't been for biased,
incompetent judging and a minor shoelace malfunction, has been
arrested for drunk driving.

Baiul, who is obviously a graduate with top honors of the New
England area's premier driving school, the Teddy Kennedy
Institute for Defensive Driving, was breathalyzed at 68% over the
legal alcohol limit after trashing her fancy Mercedes in an
accident in Connecticut. Police reports indicate there were 30
meter long skid marks before the scene of the crash, which
followed a late night boozing session that can only be
interpretted as an incredibly foolish attempt at usurping Tonya's
title as Bad Girl of Figure Skating. You can say what you like
about about Tonya but she's NEVER been reported to have done
anything as dumb as drunk driving. Tonya knows how to hold her
booze and Baiul could use some lessons.

We here at "The Portlandian" believe that the Justice system
should take a hard line with Baiul over this incident. After all,
Tonya got three years probation, a total of $160,000 in fines and
other financial penalties and was sentenced to perform 500 hours
of community service over her crime, which was nowhere near as
dangerous as Baiul's actions, which could have had fatal
consequences for innocent parties. We think that she should be
given at least a similar type of penalty, as she's got heaps of
money (far more than Tonya has ever had) and a good stiff fine
would wake her up smartly. Failure to do so will just demonstrate
that there's one law for Tonya and another law for everybody
else. Community service could include giving presentations to
schools on the dangers of drunk driving. And yes, before anybody
says it, we know that Oksana's had a hard life, with being
orphaned and growing up in the Ukraine (which like most of the
former Soviet Union is by all accounts a disaster area), but
Tonya has had an equally tough road to hoe and she got no
sympathy at all from most people.

This latest incident follows on from Tonya wannabe Nicole Bobek's
run in with the law many months ago over a burglary incident. We
ask, where will it all stop? Will Bobek move into bank robbery?
Will Sydne Vogel change her name to Sydne Vicious and start
skating with a safety pin through her nose?

As for the future, we would suggest that Ms Baiul should limit
her attempts at naughty behavior to the far safer activity of
posing and wiggling her behind (which is what her skating
apparently largely consists of these days) and and leave the
skating Bad Girl stuff to the one and only expert, Tonya Maxene

Like they say folks, don't try this at home.

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