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The Portlandian, the Internet's premier source of Tonya News

April 1, 2007 Edition
(C) 2007 Portland Ice Skating Society


In one of the most important developments in Tonya's career, we 
have just learned that Tonya has signed a contract to box against 
Nancy Kerrigan in a winner-takes-all contest that is expected to 
be one of the most watched events in TV history, which will take 
place in Las Vegas in exactly one year's time, on April 1st 2008.

"We figure that since Nancy has never done any boxing before, she 
is going to need many months of intensive training in order to 
get up to speed", said her husband and agent, Solly Jerryman, who 
came up with the idea and brokered the deal.

Details are still sketchy, but the Don King-promoted bout is 
believed to be being financed by a mysterious, reclusive multi-
millionaire known only as "Dr. Evil", who has put up a massive 
purse of ONE BILLION DOLLARS in prize money.

"I have to confess that I was a little leery of the idea at 
first, but I know that my husband always has my best interests at 
heart and that he wouldn't dream of putting me in something like 
this just as a tawdry way of milking me as a cash cow", Nancy 

Nancy has pledged that if she wins she will donate the entire sum 
to combating global warming and world poverty. "After all, I 
can't skate if all the frickin' ice melts, which would kill what 
little is left of my skating "career", so I kind of have a vested 
interest. If that happened, I'd be stuck doing voice-overs for 
crappy animated cartoons and interviewing talentless poseurs like 
Mark Lund for a living. And besides, I'm hoping that it will help 
me score autographs off both Bono AND Al Gore".

The Nancy camp has hired well-known boxer Tike Myson as Nancy's 
trainer, but training got off to a bad start when Myson attempted 
to rip one of Nancy's ears off. "First it was my knee, now my 
ear", said Nancy ruefully.

The match will be telecast live on the Schlox Network, just after 
a special episode of the network's biggest new hit of the season, 
"Celebrity Nude Jello Wrestling", which will feature a fight 
between Paris Hilton and a midget transvestite Britney Spears 
look-alike. The wrestling match was to have taken place in May, 
but had to be rescheduled after the untimely death of Ms. 
Hilton's original opponent, Anna-Nicole Smith.


We have also received word that a miracle has happened - the 
USFSA has decided to rescind the life ban on Tonya and reinstate 
her eligible status. They have also announced that Tonya will 
once again be officially recognized as 1994 National champion.

"It's no secret that skating ratings have plummeted in the past 
few years" said a USFSA spokesperson. "We could have been facing 
the distinct possibility of no TV contract in another year when 
the current one runs out, which would have been disastrous. We 
could potentially have gone bankrupt - something our, er, 
partners in the Detroit trash business wouldn't have been too 
happy about".

"Accordingly, we have decided to bite the bullet and do the only 
thing we could to get ratings back up - bring back Tonya. 
Although this move is obviously controversial, the fact remains 
that Tonya is a proven ratings winner. Her showdown with Nancy in 
Norway was the sixth most watched US TV broadcast ever. I mean, 
look, she called the cops a few days ago and it was news all over 
the country, so I figure we can't lose".

Upon hearing of the news, Christine Brennan suffered a nervous 
breakdown, kidnapped Morry Stillwell and is holding him hostage 
at a skating rink in Colorado Springs, and at last word was 
threatening to pour gasoline over herself and Mr. Stillwell and 
set it alight in protest. "My career is over!!!" she screamed to 
onlookers: "I'm going to have to start actually learning 
something about skating instead of filling my columns with cheap 
pot-shots at Tonya all the time!!! I'm doomed!!".

The city's police have reported a rash of incidents involving gas 
tanks being siphoned, allegedly by local skating fans eager to 
help out.


In other news today, a reporter at Portland's "Oregonian" 
newspaper was fired yesterday after writing an article that 
depicted Tonya in a positive light. The journalist, whose name is 
not known, was fired for what the paper described as a breach of 
its ethics guidelines.

"Our policy is that only articles that make Tonya look completely 
stupid may be written by Oregonian staff. In fact it's our 
company policy to ensure that we have at least one article making 
Tonya look completely ridiculous at least every six months", the 
paper's new editor, Michael Moore, stated at a press conference. 
"After all, if it wasn't for Tonya, we'd just be another second 
rate rag that nobody outside of Portland has ever heard of", he 
said. "The whole Tonya/Nancy thing was the only time in our 
entire history we've ever been in the national spotlight, so 
we've got to keep milking it as long as we can".

"The Tonya articles should also preferably be devoid of anything 
resembling facts, or an objective point of view. They should also 
cleverly juxtapose bits of information in such a way as to make 
the reader draw a completely misleading conclusion about what 
actually happened," said Moore, "or in other words, basically 
emulate what I do in my 'documentaries'".


In response from numerous requests, we have finally uploaded 
these shocking Tonya wedding photos:


In another shock announcement, the Head of the International 
Skating Union, Ottavio Cinquanta, has announced yet another 
redesign of the figure skating scoring system in order to fend 
off mounting criticism about the Code of Points system that was 
introduced in the wake of the Salt Lake City corruption scandal.

"Let's face it" said Mr. Cinquanta, "the Code of Points System is 
totally buggered. Nobody understands it, including the judges, 
the skaters hate it, and it doesn't do anything to solve 
corruption. Accordingly, I have decided to take action."

Under the new, revised scoring system, judges will compute a 
skater's scores using a pair of dice, some tea leaves, a ouija 
board and a bucket of chicken entrails. The results will then be 
kept totally secret from everybody and all the competitors will 
be awarded gold medals.

"We figure that if nobody knows the results there can't possibly 
be any possibility of anyone disputing the outcome", Mr. 
Cinquanta said.

Mr Cinquanta also announced the ISU's new "zero tolerance" policy 
towards cheating judges. Under the new policy, judges caught 
cheating will be brutally tortured for several hours to the music 
of "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel, "popped" in 
the head with a 9mm Beretta, decapitated and then stuffed in the 
trunk of an abandoned Chevy on a vacant lot in "Joisey".

"I came up with the idea one night while talking with one of our 
business partners, a Mr. Blonde", said Cinquanta. "We figure this 
will send a stern message that the ISU is serious about cleaning 
up corruption in figure skating."


Maxey The Pimp -
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