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The Portlandian, the Internet's premier source of Tonya News
November 12, 2014 Edition - ANNUAL TONYA BIRTHDAY EDITION
(C) 2014 Portland Ice Skating Society
http://www.pdxiss.org
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Welcome to yet another issue of The Portlandian, the Internet's
leading source of Tonya news. Today's issue is actually a double
celebration, because it marks two milestones - not only is it
Tonya's 44th birthday, but it's also our 90th edition.
Unlike last year, there's no exploding whales this time round,
but we do have more than enough to make up for the absence. We
meet a whole pile of Tonya impersonators, analyze Tonya's rising
status as a 90s fashion trendsetter, watch some previously unseen
videos and revisit Tonya's old rink - plus, Tonya goes bananas
and we've got a special guest appearance by the Fuhrer.
We haven't got any Tonya news to announce (though as always with
Tonya, things can change quite rapidly), but our sources tell us
that she, along with her husband Joe and her little boy (who
turns four in February) "are doing great and are very happy."
NOT OUR TONYA
In recent weeks a plague of fake Tonyas have been making an
appearance. If they're not trying to look like Tonya, then
they've got the same name.
For instance, did you have trouble deciding on a Halloween
costume? Well, you could have gone as Tonya & Nancy. It seems
that even in recent years performing these "tributes" is still
popular:
http://www.google.com/images?q=tonya+nancy+halloween
http://www.google.com/images?q=tonya+nancy+halloween+costume
Most of these tend to be lame-assed attempts at re-enacting the
Clubbing, with crowbar-wielding "Tonyas" bashing bloody-kneed
"Nancys", with obviously historical accuracy playing second
fiddle to bad taste, kind of like people who dress up as ebola
doctors. But there are some, such as these next two, that appear
to be serious Tonya tributes (no crowbars). Don't know who the
dude is in this one - perhaps he's meant to be Jeff:
http://ashleylwiermaa.com/halloween/tonya-harding/
A former senior member of Tonya's fan club says that the fake
Tonya in this next one looks very much like the real one of
yore, and we agree. The girl in this one is almost a spitting
image. We bet her friends probably told her that, which was no
doubt the inspiration for the costume:
http://bosden.blogspot.com/2011/10/boo.html
Meanwhile, back in August, a "Tonya Harding" - but fortunately
not our Tonya - was arrested near Jacksonville, Florida for
shining a laser at a police car:
http://www.news-journalonline.com/article/20140808/NEWS/140809518/1040?Title=Tonya-Harding-not-that-one-arrested-in-laser-light-shining
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/strange/floriduh-blog/sfl-flduh-pot-laser-flashing-20140811,0,4878216.story
Like our Tonya, she's blonde, and quite hot-looking, but that's
where the comparison ends. Her husband (no, his name's not
Gillooly) was also busted for driving with a suspended license -
the 12th time it's been suspended for various reasons according
to the arrest report. The cops also found dope, pills and three
kids in the car, which initially attracted their attention when
they discovered that the license plates belonged to another
vehicle.
Hey guys, here's a hint: when you've got a car with dodgy license
plates, containing illegal drugs, and you're driving while
disqualified, don't make things worse by shining a laser at the
fuzz! When you're in a hole, stop digging! They sound like
perfect candidates for that Dumb Criminals show that our Tonya
used to host.
Also in Florida, another, presumably different Tonya Harding was
spotted, but this time made the news for a more positive reason -
she was helping out with 4th of July fireworks sales for a local
charity:
http://www.ocala.com/article/20140702/ARTICLES/140709930
The report states that "Tonya Harding and Rebecca Gravel recently
were staffing a tent near the Paddock Mall. They were raising
funds for Just Entertainment, a non-profit group affiliated with
Extensions Dance Studio in Ocala."
It's the second year the group has sold fireworks for July 4th.
It also sold fireworks ahead of the New Year's Eve holiday last
year.
Like our Tonya this particular Tonya also has a four-year-old
child, but a daughter. And her daughter also likes an activity
that's similar to figure skating and also expensive - Harding
told the reporter that her child would not be on the dance team
if not for the funds raised through firework sales. "She loves to
dance, but it's very expensive," Harding is quoted as saying,
citing contest fees and the costs of costumes, shoes and travel.
Just Entertainment helps out with those costs.
TONYA FACES THE MUSIC
First it was the opera, then the rock opera, now we have another
singing Tonya clone.
The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Los Angeles has created
"Tonya Harding, The Musical", which premiered back in April with
subsequent performances in July. The next performance is
scheduled for the 20th of November. So if you missed those
earlier ones, here's another chance to catch it:
https://www.facebook.com/Tonyahardingthemusical
http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/3915
http://www.eonline.com/news/561586/the-11-most-insane-lyrics-from-the-tonya-harding-musical-yes-there-is-a-tonya-harding-musical
Please note that this is NOT the same as the opera/rock opera
that has been performed previously - it's a totally separate
thing by a different bunch of people, and with a ticket price of
five bucks, isn't likely to have the same production values.
According to the blurb:
"Tonya Harding: The Musical is the harrowing and infamous
story of Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding, told through her
perspective in the form of a musical.
Watch as Tonya's life unfolds before you. From the lows of
growing up in Oregon with her eccentric mother (bird
included), to the highs of winning '91 nationals, immediately
to the lows of being over shadowed by little miss perfect
Nancy Kerrigan and her marriage to sleaze ball Jeff Gillooly.
The story you thought you knew. The story of a small town girl
with a big dream, who was willing to do anything to make it
come true."
It also states that "Tonya Harding the Musical" has performed to
sold out crowds, and has been featured in MusicalsinLA, LA
Weekly, E! News Online, and was featured as LAist's "17 favorite
events". The show was also featured on E! network's "Live From
E!"
The show claims to be pro-Tonya, with the Facebook page featuring
comments like "TONYA WILL ALWAYS BE #1 IN OUR HEARTS. SHE WAS
REAL ALL OF THE TIME AND DIDN'T HAVE TO HIDE BEHIND A FAKE
IMAGE".
The Upright Citizens Brigade is Matt Besser, Amy Poehler, Ian
Roberts and Matt Walsh. It initially started out as a show on
Comedy Central that ran from 1998-2000. In the wake of the show's
success, they then founded the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
and Improvisational and Sketch Comedy Training Center in New York
City. In 2005, UCB expanded and opened the UCBT in Los Angeles
and began offering UCB Training Center classes on the west coast.
"Tonya Harding: The Musical" can be seen on Thursday, November
20, 10:30pm UCB Sunset 5419 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90027,
along with a performance of "Seinfeld: The Purge". Ticket price
is $5.00
TONYA IS QUEEN FOR A DAY (WELL, AT LEAST TWO MINUTES).
And finally in our roundup of Tonya lookalikes, we have some that
aren't even real women, let alone real Tonyas.
Earlier this year LGBT-themed cable channel LOGO decided to
do its own re-telling of the story using drag queens, entitled
"Ice Queens". The director has now put the whole thing (all two
minutes of it) up on-line for anybody to watch:
http://vimeo.com/89874887
The "Nancy" drag queen is actually pretty close to the real deal,
but the "Tonya" drag queen is mis-cast. And that's got to be the
gayest Jeff ever (perhaps his surname is "Gayllooly"). Still, at
least they don't blame Tonya for the mess.
At this rate, could Tonya impersonators soon outnumber Elvis
impersonators?
TONYA IN OREGON'S GREATEST ATHLETE POLL
Back in July, a miracle occurred: "The Oregonian" had Tonya
listed in a poll for Oregon's Greatest Athlete:
http://www.oregonlive.com/sports/index.ssf/2014/07/oregons_greatest_athlete_round.html
Amazingly for the Oregonian, they actually accompanied it by a
fair, neutral write-up and a decent picture (of her performing as
Mrs Santa Claus at the Clackamas mall rink in December 1994). The
contest was conducted as a series of "face offs" between two
athletes (in Tonya's case baseball player Dale Murphy) with the
winner going on to the next round.
As expected, Tonya did not win, an outcome not helped by the
stupid format - a participant in a minority sport like figure
skating is never going to do well against a baseballer, even
without the taint of scandal. Nevertheless, Tonya still got 86
votes or almost 13% of the total:
Dale Murphy 87.26% (589 votes)
Tonya Harding 12.74% (86 votes)
Total Votes: 675
So apparently there are still some Tonyaphiles out there in the
Oregonian's readership (and maybe even one on their staff, too).
TONYA HARDING: FASHION ICON
A couple of items in recent months prove that Tonya's fashion
sense - the source of hoots and derision at the time - is now
already considered retro stylish as interest in the 1990s
resurges.
Firstly, in April, a hard-core Tonyaphile by the name of Dayna
Tortorici was motivated to create a limited edition facsimile of
the famous NO COMMENT! sweatshirt that Tonya wore during the
scandal:
http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/04/now-you-can-dress-like-tonya-harding-circa-1992.html
Tortorici was inspired to re-create the iconic sweatshirt after
watching the ESPN Tonya doc "The Price Of Gold". Another
Tonyaphile, writer Durga Chew-Bose, posted a screenshot of the
shirt on Instagram, to which Tortorici replied, "Dude lets make
these." They then recruited Teddy Blanks (a friend and a designer
at CHIPS NY) to re-create the logo, and made a dozen to give to
their friends.
"I am totally a Tonya apologist," says Tortorici. "The scandal
was informed by all kinds of prejudice... It's clear Tonya was
guilty of knowing who was behind the attack and not telling the
police right away - but it was a different time, and nobody
seemed to stick up and say, Well, of course she didn't, she was
married to an abusive man who threatened her."
The duo soon realized that there was a public demand for these
things - helped along by an Instagram shout-out from Lena Dunham
- and decided to sell the shirts on Etsy for one week. "This is
by no means a How to Make It in America scenario" Chew-Bose says.
"Dayna and I just wanted to make them for whoever wants. And
after this week, we'll stop." The sweatshirts, available for $60,
were on sale until April 7. It's a design that's now more
relevant than ever in our paparazzi-infested & celebrity-obsessed
culture.
Now scrunchies, another Tonya fashion fad of the 90s, are making
a comeback:
http://www.stylebistro.com/Hair+Trend+Report/articles/HHTUOakGQaA/Hair+Trend+Report+Scrunchies
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/17/fashion/the-scrunchie-grows-up.html
http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/fashion/the-rise-and-rise-of-the-scrunchie-1.1873505
Katalina Sharkey de Solis, who is managing director at an ad
agency got the idea for a scrunchie comeback after watching the
1989 film "Heathers". She then started posting pictures of
scruncie-wearers from the 80s and 90s on Instagram, including
some of Tonya. Now they are starting to show up on fashion
catwalks.
This nice, pro-Tonya article also praises Tonya's no-nonsense
looks - "A French braid finished with an oversize scrunchie? Hers
was arguably the best in the game" - and has some previously
unseen photos as well:
http://grownasslady.com/2014/08/27/tonya-harding-not-here-to-make-friends/
Tonya's fashion sense was widely derided at the time, but perhaps
she was actually ahead of the trends. Often the difference
between being judged as insane or as a genius is only a matter of
twenty years and perhaps it is now Tonya's turn to have the last
laugh as the fashion tides now turn in her favor.
LLOYD CENTER RINK GETS A MAKEOVER - BUT AT WHAT COST?
Also getting a makeover is one of Tonya's favorite rinks, indeed,
it's the one she started skating at. The rink at the Lloyd Center
mall in northern Portland is to undergo major renovations that
will see it moved to the center of the mall and become its focal
point, but at a cost: it will now be rounder and about 23%
smaller, something that has upset alot of local skaters:
http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2014/09/lloyd_center_ice_rink_will_be.html
"It's like making a three-hole golf course and saying, 'But isn't
it beautiful?'" said Lisa Ewing, a 36-year-old who competes in an
adult league. "What good is a pretty picture if you can't use it
the way it was intended to be used?"
"There is no tradition with the oval," said 67-year-old skater
Tom Shanley. "Oval cuts out your ability to perform regulation
routines. You gain speed in the corners."
Lloyd Center's ice rink was the world's first shopping center
rink when it opened in 1960. The other main rink in Portland
where Tonya practised, at the Clackamas Town Center mall, closed
in 2003.
NEW TONYA VIDEOS
Several months ago an outfit by the name of PDX Sports Videos
uploaded seven fascinating clips of Tonya from late 1994/early
1995 that as far as we can tell have never seen the light of day
before.
Tonya & her father interact with a guy who is apparently a famous
Japanese comedian. He presents her with a Japanese doll and a
long overdue gold medal. She later gives him an autographed
painting of herself, one of a limited edition created by Portland
artist DeForrest in 1994:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJPQLxcwyqk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2irAWdS837g
A photo shoot showing a glamorous, sexy Tonya dressed in an
evening gown and posing with a pickup truck. Some shots from this
were used in "Esquire" magazine's August 1994 issue:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5n4oxs-z5Lk
Tonya performing at a Portland rink, (probably Lloyd Center) in
front of a bunch of fans, probably in the latter part of 1994 -
proof what Tonya was still capable of at that stage when given a
chance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijMqinJI3PY
Another interview with Japanese TV. Although the interviewer
speaks at one stage as if it is late 1995 it's pretty obvious
that this was taken in late 1994 from what is discussed. He
reveals that Tonya came 21st on a "people of the year" survey
conducted in Japan, the fifth highest foreigner (Ronald Reagan
came in 45th and Nancy (Kerrigan, not Reagan) barely scraped in
on the list in 91st place). Tonya talks about her new fan club,
her plans for the future, such as inviting Midori Ito to do a
show with her, and presents the interviewer with a poster for
"Breakaway" (which she says will be released in Japan in January
next year). She says that she enjoys speaking to Japanese TV
crews as the Japanese have always "done me justice".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tltOAvoI1TY
A noticeably more, er, "top-heavy" Tonya practising her ill-fated
pairs routine at the Clackamas Mall (which at that stage was
undergoing a major remodeling) in late 1994. She also tries a few
triple axels but falls:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boDAKDR7F-0
Tonya singing in a bar with her friend Shannon Kuratli, shortly
after the Oklahoma bombing, while another TV crew records the
action:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvVbIfv6HK4
Finally, somebody has at last uploaded a copy of the ultra-rare
TV movie "Tonya & Nancy - The Inside Story" that aired in the
U.S. in April 1994. This has never been officially released on
any home video format as far as we can tell (apart from an
unconfirmed rumor of a VHS release in Japan). Alexandra Powers is
uncannily good as Tonya and Heather Langenkamp's Nancy looks
almost more like Nancy than the real Nancy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RibOPoihz8
Oh, I forgot to mention - just one teensy weensy problem: you're
going to have to bone up on your Hungarian to make any sense of
it. But what true Tonyaphile would consider the need to learn an
entire foreign language a chore if it enables you to experience
more of Tonya?
GLORY-ICE BASTERDS, OR DER FAST UND DER FUHRERIOUS
We in the Special Duties team have seen some pretty weird Tonya
spoofs in our time but this next one really has to take the cake
as one of the strangest.
The story begins with a 2004 German war movie entitled "Der
Untergang" (or "The Downfall"), a dramatization of the last ten
days of the Third Reich in Hitler's Berlin bunker, and which was
nominated for the Best Foreign Film Oscar. In a key scene at the
film's climax, Hitler, finally realizing that the war is now
irretrievably lost, explodes into a furious 4-minute tirade at
his generals blaming them for his defeat:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Downfall_(2004_film)
But then a funny thing started to happen: shortly after the
film's release, various parodies of the scene started appearing
on YouTube, usually consisting of the rant embellished with
ridiculously irrelevant English subtitles, making it appear that
the Fuhrer is actually raving on about something quite different.
Over the years literally hundreds of these parodies have been
made, becoming a well-known internet "meme" in the process. So
perhaps it was inevitable that we'd see someone do this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43t1iPgIJGE
And what does the film's creator think of these parodies?
Apparently he's quite happy with them. Director Oliver
Hirschbiegel spoke positively about these parodies in a 2010
interview with "New York" magazine, saying that many of them were
funny and they were a fitting extension of the film's purpose:
"The point of the film was to kick these terrible people off the
throne that made them demons, making them real and their actions
into reality. I think it's only fair if now it's taken as part of
our history, and used for whatever purposes people like."
Hirschbiegel says that people routinely send him links to new
variations on the rant (he reckons he's seen around 145 of them).
"Many times the lines are so funny, I laugh out loud, and I'm
laughing about the scene that I staged myself! You couldn't get a
better compliment as a director". Of course, since he's German,
he has to play them with the sound turned off to get the full
effect.
Would the Fuhrer have been a Tonyaphile? Who knows? But we think
it's safe to say he's one fan Tonya would not be sorry to do
without.
TONYA GOES BANANAS
Today, a rarity - the name "Tonya" getting mentioned in a song
(at least, one that isn't about skating).
The song in question is a 1930's era novelty song for the ukulele
entitled "I Like Bananas (Because They Have No Bones), the two
most famous versions being by The Hoosier Hotshots and British
uke guru George Formby. However, those versions had slightly
different lyrics - they refer to a "Hannah" and rhyme it with
"banana".
The version we're interested in is by an artist by the name of
Joe Brown from a 2012 album simply called "The Ukulele Album". In
case you've not heard of him, we are informed that he was a long-
time friend of the late George Harrison and "did a knock-out job
at the end of the star-studded 'Concert For George', singing
'I'll see you in my dreams' ", leaving, according to one
description of his performance, "not a dry eye in the Albert
Hall!"
Joe's rendition replaces "Hannah" with "Tonya" - and rhymes it
with "banonya":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGuHe2S6TKo
Whether it is our Tonya that was the inspiration for this change,
we don't know. But it speaks to the utter genius of the guy. Even
we wouldn't dare to try and rhyme "Tonya" with "banonya".
And with that, we'll just close off with a big "Happy Birthday".
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VISIT THESE GREAT TONYA WEB SITES:
PortIce - http://www.pdxiss.org
David House - http://www.tonyaharding.org
Charlie Main - http://www.charliesweb.com/tonya/tonya.html
Puppetboy - http://www.usapaul.net/tonya/
Valerie Smith - http://www.olywa.net/radu/valerie/LilHam.html
Swan Lake - http://members.tripod.com/~TonyaHarding/index.html
Blades of Gold - http://members.tripod.com/tmhfan/index.html
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